Monday, January 30, 2012

Sh*t I learned on the internets (#5):

People do *not* play nice on the internet. What is it about a mouse, a keyboard and anonymity that turns normally likeable (I assume) folks into hairless, flaccid a*ssholes? Yes, the term is troll, but does 'troll' really describe it? I think not. 'Do unto other as you would have done unto you', while charming and folksy, seems a little outdated and, well, wimpy. I prefer, 'Don't let your mouth (or in this case, keyboard) write a check your ass can't cash'.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Vaginas as art...

Sh*t I learned on the internets (day four):

Much to my dismay, vaginas are *not* strictly used for "taking in sperm and spitting out babies" (thank you, Seth MacFarlane for that catchy quote). Take for example The Great Wall of Vagina by Brighton Body Casting: vaginas as art. Personally, I'm ok with my vagina totally *NOT* being on display for future generations; I've never really been comfortable with anyone from my own generation staring at it.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Sh*t I learned on the internets (day three):

What the expression ASL *really* means:

"A/S/L" is short for asking "what is your age/sex/location?” an abrupt question common in online chat forums. It is how regular users identify if you are a man or woman, if you are in their age range and where you live. No, no, NO, friends. *shakes head*
A/S/L is the mating call of pedophiles. For non-pedophiles (I prefer the term "normal folks") like myself, it translates to: "Helllllooooooo! I'm a 50 year old man who HOPES that you are a 12 year old girl. Confirm?"

Hrm. I can play this game. When he finally gets around to asking my name… usually sometime after he’s asked for a picture of my boobs… I respond “Chris Hansen”… and then say something like, “I’ve used LogMeIn to transfer the data on your hard drive to the FBI”.

*I* know that I can’t do that but I bank on the fact that most pervs only learned to turn the computer on to stalk MySpace and Facebook in hopes of catching a prepubescent girlfriend… they aren’t all tech savvy and shit.

Warning that should have come before any installments of "Sh*t I learned on the internets".... this is going to get really raunchy. And may have pictures. I hope there are pictures. If you don't know me or you *think* you know me because we went to the same Sunday School class when we were 9... proceed at your own risk. If you are easily offended... damn, if there's any shot in this fresh hell that you *could* be offended... it wouldn't be a bad idea to shut my notifications off or unfriend me all together. *smooches*
Things I learned on the internets (day two):

Rule #34 - If it exists there IS porn of it. Take for example something as innocuous as Rainbow Brite. Google it. Now Google Rainbow Brite Porn. Dare you. 'Nuff said.
Things I learned on the internets (day one):

Vajazzle. If you don't know, don't ask.